Everything Wrong With Your Favorite Elf Prince (Rewrite)
by Olympic Gold Penguin
Summary: Who is this odd girl? She's Ruth, who is this perfect boy? Legolas. Wait? NOBODY is perfect. So, Ruth has made a mission to survive Middle Earth and count every flaw that His Moronicy has. Rewrite-original still up!
1. The Revenge of the Ninja Shampoo Bunnies

**WELCOME TO MY REWRITE OF EVERYTHING WRONG WITH YOUR FAVORITE ELF PRINCE. I realized that I needed to add a bit more than what I originally had. And now a welcoming word from our Beta (The only one who wanted to beta this.)**  
**Danda225: Ello luvs! Her beta I am, fixed this story up good I have. :D**  
**Onto the story!**

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Chapter One: The Revenge of the Ninja Shampoo Bunnies

Now how do I start this story... well, problem solved I guess. You're probably wondering who I am. I'm your worst nightmare... oh fine. My name is Ruth, Ruth Windsnap. I'm that awkward teenage emotional geek obsessed with the books 'Lord of the Rings' and 'Harry Potter'. I think I'd have rather been sent to Hogwarts, at least then I could try to avoid trouble.

But in Middle Earth? Trouble is what runs it.

So far I've been to Lothlórien, and then shipped off to Rivendell; now I'm stuck in, bear with me, Mirkwood, Mirkwood for crying out loud!

My father and I were camping one night in a forest not too far off the East coast of the Atlantic Ocean...

_"Dad, did you remember to pack the spark rocks?" I asked._  
_"Yup, there in the blue bag." He replies pitching the tent._  
_"Okay." I said opening the bag. Something red was at the bottom. It was glowing. "Dad" I asked scared._  
_"What is it?" He replies not looking my way._  
_"What is this...?" I tried to ask, but my hand went through the bag._  
_"Who's there?" He asked turning around._  
_"It's me" I said "Ruth, your daughter..."_  
_"I only have a son, and his name is Herman." He replied coldly to the air._  
_"Can't you see me?" I begged._  
_"No." He replied._

_Everything after that was black, until I opened my eyes to see an orc leering over me. After some tree climbing and scouting (plus screaming and running) I made my way to Lothlorien._

You know what's funny. I despise elves. An even funnier thing is? I am around them 24/7.

See, there's Haldir who's a prick if I've ever seen one.  
And then there's Galadriel who creeps me out.  
Celeborn has odd habits...  
Elrond is way too serious with those eyebrows of doom.  
Arwen is a Sue, a freaking Mary Sue.  
I don't mind Elladan and Elrohir, but that's just prankster instincts.  
Thranduil is a moose and tree lover. Eek...

But then there's Legolas; popular, peppy, perfect Prince Legolas.

Of course, unlike formal meetings, me and him had a *cough* particularly awkward meeting...

I was just making my way back from some council tent thing where Elrond told me to stay until the council of Elrond. Whenever the hell that was. I thought a nice bath would suffice. Thranduil told me to use the rivers; he also assured me it was a very private place.

_So I innocently went EXACTLY where he told me to go, and who was in the river? Legolas freaking Thranduilion. Luckily a rock covered his... hem... lower parts... but he was still strip naked in clear water with suds on his hair._

_He turned a certain shade of red I have never actually seen before; and muttered, or as I say, stuttered "H-hello m'lady... w-what brings y-you here?"_

_"Well, I was going to bathe but... I see that it's full... I'll just be on my way now..." I replied._

_Before I left however, I asked him what was in his hair._

_He replied shampoo, shampoo! Since when has Middle Earth used shampoo; especially the elves, natural beauty, fairest of all beings, hello, any of this ringing a bell? Anyway he said it was Lori-elf brand shampoo. I left then._

Since that I've taken to ducking into empty corridors and avoiding His Majesty.

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**Well! Last minute notes-**

**I don't own Lord of the Rings!**

**Thank you Danda225, who in fact has three stories of her own! Links are on my profile... along with my insanity count... but beside the point :)**

**Question of the day: Who is your favorite and least favorite Lord of the Rings character.**

**And lastly *insert epic drum roll please*PLEASE either review/PM me ideas for Legolas flaw!**

_**GOODNIGHT AMERICA!**_


	2. If The Horse Doesn't Kick Him Off First

**Ok readers, tempers are high and patience is a must! I am buried in crap with my writing, homework, anti-social life, reading, book, and blah blah blah. And now a word from our sponsor (my beta):**

**Beta (she changed her screen name, now she's Tintcalad): Hey ya'll, Welcome back to… Everything Wrong With Your Favorite Elf Prince! DUN DUN DUUUN (Sorry, I watched the Croods…) Any way, I'll let you get to the story**

**I don't own Lord of the Rings, yet...**

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Chapter 2: If The Horse Doesn't Kick Him Off First

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I was stuck riding on a horse with company of that son of a mofo Legolas.

Joy.

Well, technically I had the guards but they just sat there and growled on their horses. Plus Legolas was the only elf I 'knew'.

It was the stupid council of Elrond and everything I already knew. What did they think would happen, I join them as a peppy Mary Sue and dance happily through the Golden forest with my Leggy Bear? Psh, as if.

Worst of all I was stuck _ON THE SAME HORSE_ as Legolas, _having to hold onto his waist when he hit sharp turns or jumped._** (My italics mean a very strong felt emotion or flash back.)** And let me tell you, he must have trained himself in Rivendell because he was no more a smoother rider than Boromir. Oh mushrooms.

And Lembas, ugh I swear, I'd better get some human food soon or I just might become cannibal. Maybe.

So after traveling a good distance mind you, anyone else check out the map and see how far Mirkwood was from Rivendell, never mind the Mist Mountains, we finally made it. Sadly Frodo had too. Eventually after torturing and deafening elves to my will, I had to attend the council of doom.

It went a little something like...

"Strangers of distant lands, friends of old." The lord of the eyebrows said "You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle Earth stands upon the brink of destruction; none can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom. Bring forth the ring, Frodo."

Frodo stood up, walked to the pedestal, and placed the ring. All the while I was inspecting my nails, I wonder if Middle Earth as Baby Blue nail polish.

"Boromir!" Aragorn yelled snapping me out of my teenage trance. Gandalf stood and chanted in the black tongue as the sky grew very dark.

"Never before has any voice uttered the words of that tongue here, in Imladris." Elrond snapped.

"I do not ask your pardon, Master Elrond, for the black speech of Mordor may yet be heard in every corner of the West! The Ring is altogether evil!" Gandalf retorted.

"I agree with the wizard!" I piped up.

"No, it is a gift! A gift to the foes of Mordor. Why not use this Ring?" Boromir asked. "Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor, kept the forces of Mordor at bay. By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe! Give Gondor the weapon of the Enemy. Let us use it against him!" Boromir chimed... again.

"You cannot wield it, none of us can." Aragorn plainly spoke.

"And what would a ranger know of this matter?" Boromir sneered. Oh was he in for a surprise...

"This is no mere ranger." Legolas piped up "this is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and heir to the throne of Gondor. You owe him your allegiance."

Aragorn shuffled a bit with all the attention drawn to him. Finally he said "Havo dad Legolas." Sit down Legolas. Legolas decided to sit down.

Boromir chewed on this a bit before spitting it out and saying "Gondor has no king! Gondor needs no king!"

To that I muttered "Gondor has no brains," Earning a few smiles from a few certain elves.

"Aragorn is right, we cannot use it." Gandalf imputed.

Deciding to be a total ass, I said "I second that!"

"Then it is decided" Elrond... decided "the ring must be destroyed."

Boromir sat in defeat, glaring at me. I did the only thing a mature woman such as I could.

I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Gimli yelled, grabbing an axe. He whacked the ring, and the axe shattered, resulting in a shocked Gimli on the floor.

"The ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli son of Gloin, by any craft that we possess" Elrond said, smirking slightly. I fought back the laugh attack. "It must be taken deep into Mordor and cast into the chasm from whence it came." He dramatically paused "One of you must do this."

There was silence.

Then Boromir spoke up again. "One does not simply walk into Mordor," he began, and launched into his famous speech. I mouthed the words.

"Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said?" Legolas cried out (talk about girly) "The Ring must be destroyed!"

"And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?" Gimli roared, leaping to his feet.

"And if we fail what then?" Boromir said also standing up. "What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?" I wanted to slap him so hard...

"I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf! Never trust an elf!" Gimli yelled resulting in chaos.

Deciding to be Sueish and let Frodo speak I yelled "Hay idiots!" All eyes turned to me "I don't know if you have noticed." I pointed to Frodo "but a munchkin." Frodo frowned at this whilst Gimli held back his laughs. "Is trying to tell you something most likely helpful. So shut the hell up and listen." I sighed and sat down.

Men.

"I will take it." He said scared. "I will take the ring to Mordor. Though I don't know the way."

At this Gandalf smiled and said "Then I shall help you bare this burden, as long it is yours to bare."

"You have my sword" Aragorn said.

"And my bow." Legolas said. Obviously.

"And my axe!" Gimli said deciding not to be outdone by a pointy eared blonde.

"If it is the will the council, then Gondor will see it done." Boromir added.

"Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me!" Sam yelled running in.

"Yes" Elrond said playing with a smirk. "It is hard to separate you two even though he summoned to secret council and you are not." Sam blushed a bit.

"Oi!" Pip said running out, Merry on his trial. "We're coming too!" "You'll have to tie us up in a sack and send us home to stop us!" Merry declared.

"Anyway, you'll need people of intelligence on this mission… quest… thing." Pippin smiled.

"Well that rules you out, Pip." Merry muttered, grinning.

"Ruth shall be aiding you on this quest." Elrond said with obvious relief.

"Hell no!" I said.

"She is a woman, she cannot be any sort of help, and her place is in the home tending to the aid of her children." Boromir said.

"Oh like you even have to tool to make one!" I snapped back, WHY WERE MEN SO SEXIST! My point got through that thick skull as he turned a brilliant red, better than Legolas! "And, forth thou sexist comments." I added. "I shall be coming."

I swear Elrond was screaming in silent delight.

"But- Elrond... p-please." Aragorn said with puppy eyes, the little [the following is not available content for a T rated fanfiction]! He doesn't even know me! What? Maybe I did put bugs in his soup, but he'll thank me when he prepares for Eowyn's.

"I'll give you ANYTHING, just. Please, get her out of my sights." begged Elrond.

"And what's wrong with her?" Frodo, obliviously, asked.

"She already injured 32 elves," Legolas piped up.

"They were asking for it!" I snapped,

"And made half of them deaf. Imladris won't be here by the time you get back, ring or not!" Elrond said close to sobs.

"Can I marry Arwen?" Aragorn asked, _I'm a wedding ring now_!

"F-fine, just go before I change my mind." Elrond said putting on his elf lord act.

I was infuriated. So was Boromir.

"10 companions, so be it" Elrond finished quickly to make sure no more hobbits, or evil me people, come "you shall be the fellowship of the ring."

And that my dear readers, is how I got into the fellowship.

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**There, lord, that took me so long to rewrite and make it less anger issue, I bet your wondering what exactly the flaw is. Legolas sucks shit at riding a horse, and I know your all thinking "He's been around for twenty billion years or something like that," well, I don't see how horses are great when hunting down spiders, so why would he need to know?**

**Ps. I might be changing my screen name as well, so I'll tell you when I do!**

**Question of the day: Who's hotter?**

**Aragorn or Legolas?**


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